First off, I need to extend a extremely heartfelt thank you to all of you. My heart is so full with all of the messages, emails, texts, tweets, comments, etc that I received yesterday after my post. Deployment is not easy to talk about but for some reason, writing does the soul good.
I originally started blogging when Zach deployed the first time and I know this is going to be a major outlet for me again. As I said yesterday, we aren’t 100% sure he’s going but if he is, I will be prepared. I’m sad, yes. But I’m prepared to make the most of this summer and when the time comes to send my husband to war, I’ll do it with strength and pride.
If you’ve ever seen Titanic, you’ll remember this quote:
“…I figure life’s a gift and I don’t intend on wasting it. You don’t know what hand you’re gonna get dealt next. You learn to take life as it comes at you… to make each day count.”
I love this quote and it seems perfectly fitting for everything going on right now.
I don’t know how many days Z and I have together and I have to make the most of them. No minute will be spent wasted and no day will be spent sulking.
We plan to visit Ohio for two weeks of vacation. To spend time with friends, family, and make memories.
We will continue on here as normal as possible. He will go to work, I will go to work, Nolan will go to gym class, and we will drink our Saturday morning Starbucks together. And then when Zach leaves, we will do it as a party of three instead a party of four.
We will plan family days and spend as much time together as humanly possible. We will take pictures, try new things, and explore our city.
The build up and anticipation of him leaving will not consume me. I know it’s okay to have bad days and become physically upset for no reason, but it’s important to keep those to a minimum and make the most of the time we do have together.
9 months is a long time. But we’ve done 10 months, and we can do this too. Thankfully, he will be on a completely different mission than the previous deployment and although I’m still scared shitless, I feel a little bit better about this.
But having kids makes it a little more complicated and because of that, my emotions are different this time around. I’m torn; I feel some sense of peace with all of this because I know I have to be strong for them. I’m not one to hide my emotions but I know that in a case like this, they will feed off of me and I need to keep it together.
But I’m also scared; I’m scared for them to be separated. I’m scared for them to live 9 months without their dad here to cheer them on. I’m scared to answer the “where’s my daddy?” question day in and day out and see the sadness in their eyes when I tell them day in and day out “he’s at work”, for 9 months straight.
There’s Skype, phone calls, snail mail if we choose… and we will get through this. He will miss birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, and those are going to be the hardest days no doubt. But we can do it and with the help of family, friends, and all of you as a support system, I know we will be just fine.
So please continue to say prayers. This isn’t a done deal yet and I’m holding on to the tiniest thread of hope.
But until then, here’s to making it count.
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