life

Choice.

Do you ever feel like you’re standing still and the world around you is moving 100 m.p.h? Or that no matter how well you manage your time, there’s still not enough hours in the day?
It’s been a madhouse here. I’m super behind on so many projects, I’m working a lot this week, the house is a disaster, and on top of that, there’s this deployment cloud just looming over my head. Tears seem to fall at the strangest time and the most complicated thoughts are running through my mind.
The anticipation of Zach leaving will no doubt but harder than him actually leaving. Not to sound cliche but it really is like a bandaid; if you pull it off slowly, it hurts a hell of a lot worse than just ripping it off.
I’ve been feeling guilty; guilty for the responsibilities I’ve dropped the ball on around here. Guilty for not having enough hours in my day to get everything done. Guilty for losing my patience with my crazy toddler who doesn’t really know what’s going on but at the same time, seems to know exactly what’s going on.
I want to be super busy because it means less time to sit and dwell on the fact that within weeks, Z won’t be coming home for 9 months. But at the same time, I feel as though I’m wasting precious time that I could be spending with him. Or with our family of four.
But I’ve decided that everything can wait. Because in a few weeks, I won’t be able to hug my husband or watch him tickle the kids into fits of laughter. I’ll be sleeping alone, spending a lot of time in silence and wishing I had my partner in crime next to me to poke me and annoy me when I’m trying to get work done.
If you’ve ever experienced a deployment, you know that even when you’re in a room full of people, you can still feel alone. But my goal this time is to realize I’m not alone and I have a ton of people and resources to help me through this. My kids are going to be my reason for getting out of bed on the days I don’t want to. My job is going to be a distraction when things get tough. And this space is going to be therapeutic when I need it to be.
I have to recognize the emotions that come with a deployment and let myself feel them. Everything was so new last time and for the most part, all I felt was sadness. But so far, I feel strong, confident, and determined. Deployment won most days last time and I refuse to let that be the case this time. I somewhat know what to expect and I plan to keep this place and our life as “normal” as possible. I’m going to wake up everyday and tell myself I’m happy over sad. Strong versus weak. Capable instead of not.
Life’s a series of choices… and I choose to beat this.

 

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