In tears.

I’ve always loved writing, but didn’t grow to love reading until after college. I guess it was the fact that I was always “forced” to do it in school and loathed it. It wasn’t anything I ever wanted to read and because of all that junk, I never had time to read something I was interested in.

I still don’t consider myself a reader; if I make it through the first 20 pages of the book, that’s an accomplishment. If you haven’t impressed me by that point, I’m throwing in the towel.
So that’s what I love about blogging. Or any articles I find people sharing on Facebook or any other social media channel. They’re short, informative, and get straight to the point.
I had seen this post floating around on Facebook and opened it in a browser on my phone, as I usually do while nursing and then forget about it. I was laying with Nolan and rubbing his head as he fell asleep last night when I finally opened the page and began to read. And then I erupted into a fit of tears. Uncontrollable, ugly Kim Kardashian crying tears.
There were points where I was cracking up because I knew exactly what she was talking about… I’ve lived it. There were points where I felt like I was going to cry, where I felt that lump grow in my throat and tears start to form in my eyes. But by the end, I was downright sobbing.
It scares me that my babies are growing up. And when I made Z read it and asked “isn’t it so sad?”, he shrugged his shoulders and said “yeah I guess…it’s just life”.
I don’t like that. I don’t like that one day, I will have to send my babies off into the real world. That I won’t get to play with their hair as they fall asleep. I won’t nurse them. I won’t have them glued to my legs as I try to make dinner. I won’t have them call for me when they’re tired or hurt. I just don’t like change and this is the biggest and scariest change of all.
I know there are stages in life and that I will love each and every one of them in a different way than the last. Not better or worse, just different. And after reading this, it makes me feel guilty for having bad days because I know that one day, I’m going to want this back.
Reading posts like this, posts that can bring out so many emotions reminds me the very reason that I write. To express my feelings and to share them with the world. To find comfort in the fact that I’m not the only one out there that feels this way and that I will be okay. That it’s okay to be sad and emotional over the fact that time is moving so quickly. Because at one point or another, we have all probably felt this way. It just seems to be happening so much faster now that I’m a parent and I’m literally watching life flash before me. In the form of two perfect little children.
This article left me speechless. Breathless. But it also made me realize that there’s nothing more important in my life than these babies. And that when anything else goes wrong, I need to let it go and focus on one of the only things, or people, that can make me get this emotional about something.
I never knew I wanted to be a mom, let alone a SAHM. But reading this… reading this makes me realize that even on the bad days, I am so unbelievably lucky to have that opportunity. That money may be tight sometimes or days may be long and lonely. But these are the days I will look back on and cherish. Babies are only babies for so long and right now, I know that God has me exactly where he wants me. Doing exactly what I’m supposed to be doing right now.
I sometimes worry that I’m “wasting” my degree and all of the time and money my parents and I have spent on my college education. But life has a way of leading us down paths for a reason. At this time, in this place, this is where I’m supposed to be. And after reading this, I’m going to count my blessings and be a little more thankful for the messy house, dirty faces, poopy diapers. Because it also means unlimited snuggles, fits of laughter, and a plethora of baby kisses. And precious moments I’ll never have the chance to get back.





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