Do you ever get so stressed that you feel like it’s an out of body experience? That you see yourself drowning in work or life, or whatever it may be that’s stressing you out, and can’t believe you’re acting (or reacting) the way you are. You have no patience, you say things you don’t mean, and you certainly act in a way that you regret hours or even minutes later.
That’s how I’ve felt the past few days. I had a really hard time saying “see you later” to my mom the other day, Z is away for work, and my kids were out of control. I had no patience, I was running on E, and I had a ton of work and cleaning to do. I raised my voice and lost my temper more than I’d like to admit, and regretted how I acted almost immediately. I feel like there’s never enough hours in the day or hands needed to do everything that needs done. But yet somehow it gets done. And then I feel guilty that I didn’t spend more of that day playing with my kids instead of yelling at them.
I know they’re kids, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy. They’re defiant, they’re curious, and they know how to get under my skin. There’s only one of me and two of them a lot of the time, and I struggle to find the balance. I can’t be there for both of them when they want more snuggles or play house when the other one wants to play cars. I try to do the best I can but no matter what I do, I still feel like I’m coming up short as a mom. And that before I know it, they’re going to be all grown up and not want to do anything with me. And here I am yelling at them and letting them stress me out. Yes, I’m letting them stress me out… because they certainly don’t mean to or even know they’re doing it. It’s how I’m reacting.
Nolan told me he had a girlfriend yesterday. And I laughed and started asking questions, thinking it was cute and funny. Until I said “you can have a girlfriend but I’m still your favorite girl, right?” and he said “no mom, she’s my favorite.” I know, he’s a three year old and is just being a three year old, but it really made me think. And being the over analyzer that I am, I started thinking how that’s going to be the case someday. I know I say it all the time but I really don’t feel like I’m taking advantage of the time I have with them. I’m always doing a billion different things and not even looking at the important little moments that are right under my nose.
Working from home and being a stay-at-home-mom means finding a balance. And three and a half years into it, I’m still struggling to find that sometimes. It’s a work in progress everyday and with Z’s job, it makes it even harder. But I’m doing the best I can. And the only thing I can do is work on getting myself and them on a routine and balancing my time better. I can give them more snuggles, spend more one on one time with each of them, and drink more coffee to stay awake after staying up way late to finish what I need to. They may drive me crazy most of the day but I miss them when they’re sleeping, and I know I’ll miss these moments more than anything.
Maybe sometimes we need to take a step back and look at how we’re acting. Is that a person we would want others to see us being? Is that how we want our kids to remember us? Is that someone we are proud of? And then reevaluate. It’s never too late to make a change or do something to help you be the person you want to be. And right now, I just want to be the best mom I can be. I don’t want to change, but rather be a better me.