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I do.

Monday already? I can’t believe it! It was a whirlwind weekend and to be honest with you, I don’t think I’ve been this tired in a long time. 
I just want to start out by saying that when people talk about pregnancy hormones and not being able to control their emotions, they are NOT kidding. I don’t remember being this emotional when I was pregnant with Bubs but Lord have I been on an emotional roller coaster the past few days. 
Last minute snuggles with my babe.
It started on Friday when I had to say goodbye to Bubby for the weekend; because I was a bridesmaid and the wedding was downtown Cleveland, I was busy down there most of the weekend with the wedding festivities. I was so sad to leave him and anxious about all of the different places he would be going and how he would be without me. I know it’s good to spend time away from your kids once in awhile but with Z being gone, Bubba is my comfort blanket. But I left him in good hands with my parents Friday afternoon and headed to the rehearsal with the girls. 
Rehearsal with my gorgeous bride
When we pulled into the rehearsal location, my mood instantly changed from sad to excited! I couldn’t wait to see my cousin and the venue she had chosen to marry her best friend. It was absolutely gorgeous; the aisle was something out of a movie and the grounds were just breathtaking. We listened intently to the instructions for the next day, nervously giggled as we walked down the aisle, and took a few pictures before heading to the hotel to freshen up for dinner. 
Bridesmaid gifts
On our way to the rehearsal dinner

Again, my emotions quickly changed from happy to sad as I thought about what Nolan was doing and if he was doing okay without me. I texted my mom and checked in on him and of course, he was just fine. We took a shuttle to dinner in Little Italy and enjoyed drinks (virgin for me), family style Italian food, and wonderful company. But again, my happiness quickly shifted as I thought about how much more fun it would have been with my hubby sitting next to me and holding my hand as we toasted to love and happiness. Despite how I was feeling about my own lack of love at the moment, I kept my eye on the prize; celebrating the love of one of my best friends and her new husband.
FaceTiming Hubby from the bar
I checked on Bubs (again) and he was fine (again) and sound asleep. We also went to bed and prepared for the next day, but of course with the sleeping problems we all know I have, I barely slept that night. I kept thinking I’d roll over and have Bubba snuggling closely next to me and when I realized I was all alone, I would wake up in an almost panic-like state. I know, I need to get over it because eventually he won’t be sleeping with me anymore. But like I said, he’s my comfort blanket through this whole separation from Z.
But as I woke up from the minimal sleep I had had, I realized I was going to watch my best friend receive one of the greatest gifts I had ever received in my life; forever with a best friend. As I headed back up the hill on the emotional coaster, we drove to the hair salon, applied our make-up, and toasted to the beautiful bride on her special day! 
As nerves began to set in for the bride, I couldn’t help but feel nerves myself. I was nervous to walk and stand in front of everyone, and even more nervous that I wouldn’t be able to control my emotions. With everything I had been feeling, ranging from extreme excitement to extreme sadness, I knew the ceremony was going to be another test. As we waited to start the ceremony, I replayed my own wedding through my head and wished more than anything Z could be there to spend such a special day with our family. But before I could think anymore, it was my turn to start walking down the aisle and stand next to the gorgeous bride as she proclaimed her love for the man of her dreams.
I lost it before I even reached my escort. I was trembling; happiness, sadness, and a heart swelling with pride. I watched the bride walk down the aisle and instantly, my childhood flashed before my eyes. She was the first friend I ever had; we experienced first grade to first kisses to first heartbreaks and more, and I was just so happy she was finally joining into holy matrimony with a man worthy of such an incredible woman as she is. I made it through the rest of the ceremony with minimal meltdowns and when it was all said and done, it was time to celebrate! 
Pictures during pictures
We walked around the grounds and took pictures and my body began to ache. We hadn’t eaten much, my heels were killing me and I was beyond exhausted. On top of that, I missed my hubby and couldn’t help but check in on Bubba every chance I got. My parents had dropped him off with a family friend and although I knew he was in good hands, I was worried he wouldn’t nap and in turn, be cranky for the other babysitters later that evening. Regardless, my heart smiled every time I watched my cousin and her hubby stage a kiss or a dip in front of a fountain or garden and just couldn’t wait for the rest of the celebrating to begin. 
Ready for the reception!
And then we headed to the reception. My exhaustion reached it’s peak and I searched high and low for caffeine to help me make it to the end of the night. I was fine during cocktail hour, the first dance, and even dinner. You don’t need your partner there for any of those things. But then the dancing, and drinking for everyone else but me, began. Although I was surrounded by family and friends, it was the lowest point of the weekend where I begin to feel sadder and lonelier than I had felt since Z left. I watched couples dance, groups of friends laugh together, and as much as I was trying to enjoy myself, I couldn’t help but feel I didn’t exactly know where I fit in. 
Amazing reception hall
I wasn’t drinking. 
I didn’t feel like dancing. 
I wasn’t hungry. 
I didn’t smoke. 
I didn’t have a date. 
I missed my husband and son. 
I love my family to pieces and truly had an amazing weekend but at some point, my exhaustion clouded with my sadness from missing my boys and I just broke down. I cried to my parents and as hard as I tried, I couldn’t control the tears from falling. I wanted to go home; I wanted to snuggle my son and feel comfortable and rest my pregnant body like it needed to be rested. So hoping not to disappoint anyone, I left a little earlier than I anticipated and headed home to my baby. 
I was so unbelievably honored to be apart of my cousin’s special day and can never thank her enough for the honor I felt as a bridesmaid and the memories that were made with family and friends. Although pregnancy hormones made the experience a little more difficult than I ever expected a wedding to be, it truly was a beautiful day and a celebration of two beautiful people. 
It also made me appreciate my husband a little more than I have been; after being married for almost three years, you don’t think about your wedding day very often. As I watched the newlyweds express their love for each other and promises to grow, love, trust, and share as one couple, it made me want to work on myself as a wife and on our marriage as a pair. We don’t know everything there is to know about marriage and I certainly have aspects as a wife and a person that I can work on. As I watched them exchange their vows, I also made a vow to myself to do all of these things in my own life. 
Our wedding day
To Christina and Rob- thank you for allowing me to be apart of such an amazing day as well as reminding me of how lucky I am, how lucky we are, to have someone so special as each other to feel so compassionate about. I wish you both nothing but a lifetime of happiness and love! 
And to my husband; I love you more than words can ever say. You bring a smile to my face everyday and continue to fill my stomach with butterflies with every kiss. With every argument, disagreement, challenge, or hardship, I learn more about myself and us as a couple, and know it’s just a bump in the long road of marriage. I promise to love, cherish, honor, and grow as a person and as a couple for as long as we both shall live. 

I love you. 

 

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