When I graduated college, I had no idea that what I was going to do with my life. A career, marriage, kids… none of that was in my foreseeable future and I wasn’t really sure where my life was headed. I worked three different places after graduating and nothing seemed to be fulfilling this void I felt in my life. I mean, up until that point, everything had been planned out. After high school, I knew I was going to college but after college, the world was my oyster. Or something like that…
I had never really thought about having kids; I knew that one day, I would get married and have them but I didn’t think about anything else. I didn’t know when, what I would name them, how I would parent, etc. To be honest, I still don’t know “how I’m going to parent”. We’ve tested this method and that method and I’m still not entirely sure I’m doing the whole parent thing the right way. Will I ever know?
I’ve been struggling a lot with my decisions recently. I’ve been questioning everything I do in my life because as the only one here to take care of everything, it’s become a lot. Between blogging, my job, two kids, the house, and the dog, I feel as though I’m spreading myself too thin. I’ve had a cough for two weeks, I have an infected nail bed (I know, wtf), I don’t think I’ve sat down for one meal in the past 4 weeks since Z left, and I feel like a beached whale with how bloated I’ve been because of how crappy I’ve been eating. My health seems to have taken a seat on the back burner because everything and everyone else needs me more.
How do I know if I’m doing a good job? Well both kids and the dog are still living so I guess that’s a start. I haven’t forgotten to feed them or left them in a car or anything so I guess I’m doing something right. But are they happy? Are they getting the attention they deserve and need? Am I being the best mom and wife I can be?
I don’t know. I honestly don’t know. Because in my mind, I’ve built this image of the kind of mom I want to be. I want to be the mom who plays in the mud and throws rocks in the creek. That answers to my child’s beck and call and plays with them whenever they want. But at the same time, how would they ever learn to be self-sufficient? Would they depend on me forever?
I used to solely be a stay-at-home-mom. And then I started blogging and a few hours a week were dedicated to that. And then I accepted a part-time job and a few more hours were dedicated to that. Am I neglecting my kids because I’m working at home and then sometimes leaving the house to work? But I’m supporting them, right? I’m splitting my time between a SAHM and a work-at-home-mom… so that’s good too, right?
I want to give my children the best life I possibly can and I’m unsure of how to do that. Am I letting them down? Are they happy? Playing mommy and daddy can be exhausting but at the end of the day, I have to do it. There’s no option. Am I doing it well enough?
My friend sent me this yesterday and it made me realize that yes, most of the time I am. There may be days I lose my temper or don’t have one ounce of patience left in me but for the most part, my kids are alive and well and that’s all that matters to them. Did they get snuggles? Did they get to watch a show for being good? Did they get to help me bake cookies? Yes. Yes they certainly did.
I’m not a perfect mom but I love these two with every single ounce of love I could possibly have. They drive me crazy one minute and the next, I’m tickling them into a fit of laughter and kissing their little bodies. They keep me on my toes and they keep me going on days when I don’t think I can go on anymore.
So am I doing a good job? I’m not sure I’ll ever know the answer. But I’m trying as hard as I possibly can and I suppose that’s going to have to be good enough for now 🙂