I look happy in these pictures, wouldn’t you agree? I mean, I can never really make that super fierce fashion blogger face most people make in their outfit posts. You know why? It’s for the birds. I have smiles and I have what looks to be resting bitch face. So smiles it is.
Would you believe me if I told you I was a hot mess last night while trying to write this post? That I wiped away my salty tears and then tried to type on my computer but couldn’t bring myself to do it. Because I mean, I was happy in these pictures so I couldn’t really talk about what’s going on outside of these pictures. I mean, who’s going to put up pictures of themselves crying in an outfit post? I’m going to go ahead and bet no one.
But I had a really rough night last night. And I was really upset. And if I can’t share my real life issues with you all, who can I share them with? This place has always been a place of sanctuary for me. Because I want you guys to know that my life isn’t all cupcakes and rainbows. And while I don’t share everything with you, I share a big chunk of it. I made that choice 5 years ago when I started sharing my life online and it wouldn’t be genuine for me to hide behind the pretty pictures and the glamorous events and not share some of the struggles I go through too.
Sometimes I get sad. Sometimes, like yesterday, I’ve held it in for so long that it just consumes me and fills my whole body with tension. I’m so busy taking care of everyone else that I forget to take care of myself. I take on too much. I make too many plans. I get my hopes up. I snap at my kids. I let them down. I let myself down. I eat like crap. I find myself tired.
And then I’m overwhelmed with my feelings. I’m angry. I’m resentful. I’m scared. I’m nervous. I’m upset. I’m human.
There’s been a lot going on behind the scenes over here. Stuff that affects our family and the next 7+ years of our lives. And all of the unknown scares me. My anxiety has been under control for the most part but sometimes I can tell depression is winning that day. I love my kids to pieces but I’ve found myself struggling to deal with the constant fighting, bickering, whining, and crying. They don’t listen, like at all. And I know that’s a normal preschool/toddler thing but how many times do you have to correct/politely ask/yell/put in timeout/take away toys/etc before they just do it? Let me know if you have the answer because I’m exhausted trying to figure it out.
I love my kids and I love my life right now. Which makes it hard to imagine uprooting our family and changing our routine and doing it all over again. I want them to think this is a new adventure and I want them to be excited about it. But I’m not good at faking things and right now, I’m still just a little shaken up that this is our reality. That it’s almost time to do it all over again. But that’s something I’m going to have to accept and get excited about, because these little ones are about to have their world rocked too and they need me to lead them.
I love my husband and I will always 100% support his career. There have been wonderful things to come from his job and living the military lifestyle. But I would be lying to you if I said it didn’t have it’s struggles or there were parts of the lifestyle I didn’t like. But I guess that’s something I’m going to have to suck up and get over because right now, I’m dealing with something that’s way bigger than me. Something I have no control over and something I can literally do nothing about.
Sometimes I word vomit. Sometimes I vent. I’m passionate, I’m a lover, and I wear my emotions on my sleeves. Do you know how to handle people like me? Pray for me. Shower me with positivity. Be that shoulder to cry on. People like me can be extreme and we can be irrational but you know what, that’s who we are. That’s who I am. I don’t hold back and I don’t hide my feelings. And I shouldn’t feel judged for it. Never feel judged for saying what you feel and being who you are.
There are always going to be people out there who will love and support you regardless. And everyone else can take a hike.
Sometimes we expect things to go one way and when they go a complete opposite way, it can catch us off guard and take us by surprise. And that can be a lot to handle. But it’s a new day and I need to tuck the negativity behind me and get ready for the next adventure.